The skirt in question hugs the hips and then flares out, so for three days I kept trying it on and seeing nothing but huge hips. I don’t know what made me keep trying it, but I’m glad I did, because this morning I put it on and just felt cute. Nothing much had changed between Saturday and today. I certainly didn’t lose 10 pounds in that amount of time. So the change has to be mental, but honestly I just don’t feel like staring at it too closely. If I’m feeling pretty good about myself today, I’m just going to leave it alone. No point in analyzing it to death; it’s much more fun just to swish around town in a nice autumny grey skirt. :)
So I’d like to take a moment and point you guys at this thing Maura Kelly wrote. Maybe you saw something about it in the last few days, it’s been floating around the internet for a while. The writer says some pretty horrible things in it, like this:
“I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine [sic] addict slumping in a chair.”
She ends the article with “Do you think I’m being an insensitive jerk?”, and judging from the comments, YES, everyone pretty much thinks she’s being an insensitive jerk. I read her blog entry, I read a bunch of the comments, I’ve read the commentary, and I’ve read her reply to everything, and I have to say, I give her credit for leaving the post up, and for writing a sufficiently contrite response. It was a blog entry, she wasn’t writing out a researched and reasoned article, a lot of people just poop out the first thing that comes to their minds without really filtering it.
The thing is, if you read her apology, there’s a quick, almost throwaway sentence: “a few commenters and one of my friends mentioned that my extreme reaction might have grown out of my own body issues, my history as an anorexic, and my life-long obsession with being thin.”
That’s where my heart kind of broke for the girl. I know exactly where her blog post came from, that dark part of the lizard brain that’s judging herself and everyone else on a sliding scale based on what size they are. That internal meter that tells you that fat=shameful, embarrassing, bad. That no one wants to look at that, that your size is offending people. Maura Kelly might be skinny, but it sounds to me as if she’s just as tightly wound around these body issues as I am – maybe more so.
I know I’ve said this a lot lately, but being thin and feeling better about yourself, these are TWO SEPARATE ISSUES. There’s no reason to wait until you’ve “lost the weight” to start liking yourself better. Her black smoky monster sounds meaner and bigger and louder than my little guy, and I bet you she’s at least 50 pounds lighter than me.