It’s been a while since I turned my attention towards this kind of thing, huh? I’ve been feeling kind of down about myself on this front lately, I think partly because it’s winter and I can’t run or bike or get out as much as I want to. Or maybe it’s because I have to make my appointment for my annual physical soon and I’m not looking forward to the scale in the doctor’s office. Or maybe it’s just because I get down during these long dark months, who knows? Fortunately, a few key articles and blog posts have found their way in front of my eyeballs lately, in particular this one from GabiFresh, which links to a whole slew of other awesome posts and articles too.
But we get a strange North Shore lifestyle magazine at the office (no one knows why; we never subscribed) and it’s vapid but utilitarian bathroom reading. I stumbled across this checklist in a recent issue, and realized that… well, yeah, I probably had an eating disorder as a kid. It may never have blossomed into a full-on textbook definition of anorexia or bulemia, but even now, I still have some of these signs from time to time.
I’m tempted to wonder what might have happened had I been diagnosed and treated for it, but that’s such a dangerous game; there’s no point in wondering what would have happened. You can’t go back and change the past, all you can do is change things moving forward. And moving forward, I don’t ever again want to feel like I am nothing more than the shape of my body, and that my shape is inadequate. Moving forward, I want to be happy and confident and healthy and proud no matter what my body looks like.
Last paragraph = <3 <3 <3! Amen!
*hugs* Well, we may not be able to go back and hug our childhood selves, but we can hug our now selves. :)
Did you know when you go to the doctor’s office, you can turn backwards on the scale so you’re not facing the numbers and tell the person taking your weight that you don’t want to know? And unless they’re an asshole who believes that their right to make you feel uncomfortable trumps your right to taking care of your mental health, they won’t tell you? Seriously, this was a life changing revelation for me and I feel totally kickass and empowered whenever I do that at the doctor’s office.
Because… I had one of those pesky totally-an-eating-disorder-but-doesn’t-look-like-a-Lifetime-Movie-eating-disorders back in high school. Had I ever gotten below a certain weight, I probably would have been diagnosed with exercise bulimia (yay for running eight miles a day and living entirely on iceberg lettuce and one broiled boneless skinless chicken breast!). But because I was still fat even when I was being really unhealthy, I just got praised for finally being “good”. That was before I completely ruined my knees and some other stuff. Then it was back to being a “bad fatty”.
Which is all a really long way of saying there’s this diagnosis called “Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified” (ED NOS) which is basically where they shove everyone who doesn’t neatly fit into the “Oh my god you look really unhealthy you clearly have an eating disorder” category. And the deliberately telling the nurse that I don’t want to know my exact weight and other numbers because they’ll just set me back off into a bad territory is one way of managing all that crap as an adult. And there are other things too, a lot of them tied to finally looking at the DSM-IV and going “Wait a minute, I actually did have an eating disorder back in high school? That was real? Oh my God.”
So… yeah. Uh. Possibly something to look into or something.
And now, I’m going to go grab a walk and some Jimmy Johns. Woo!
Even better then not looking at the scale, is declining to be weighed. I’ve been doing this for a year now, since I had the worst flare-up of anorexia I’ve ever had (but you know, it doesn’t matter, at least I’ll lose some weight that way… said the worst doctor ever) and no one has given me trouble about it.
The thing of it is, unless you’re on meds or have a condition that a symptom is weight, you really DON’T need to track your weight. I know how my clothes fit, and so I have a general idea “Oh, yeah, retaining water. Period’s about to blow” or hmm… why is everything loose? And can modify how and what I’m eating to make my body feel better. Not to lose/gain, but if I’m retaining water, I’m uncomfortable, and if I’ve shrunk some, I know it’s because I just haven’t been eating enough period.
I did have one nurse raise an eyebrow at me, and all I said, “I decline to let weight be a measurement of my health.” Because it’s not. It really, really isn’t. Fat people have diabetes… and so do skinny people. Fat people have high cholesterol… but so do skinny people. It matters a whole lot more what you put into your body then the size of the container it’s going into.
Incidentally, I found your webcomic right when my eating was feeling the worst. It was a huge help. You rock <3.
You guys are the best. :D :D :D
I agree with all of the previous comments. I know when I came across your comic for the first time, I was struggling with liking myself and my body. And reading your comic has really helped me. It has helped me so much that when I start to feel bad again, I go back to reread your comic and I can skip the first few weeks now because I don’t identify with that part at all anymore. And that, to me, is such significant progress. And I know you were a huge part of me trying to bike commute to work and to go to yoga classes. So thank you for both of those things!
And thanks so much for being here. :) And for being you.
i went to a discussion at my university last week titled “the truth about pro anorexia.” the one thing that suprised me, more than anything, was when the Psy D students who gave the presentation discussed the socio-cultural causes of eating disorders. I asked, what is psychology doing to address the socio-cultural causes of the social disease? are they working with sociologists? anthropologists? and they said “no. not really.” which i guess isnt really that suprising but what i mean is that sure, there are people who have a certain mental predisposition for this type of thing. but the type of eating disorders we are talking about here- i want to ask, what women didn’t struggle with fearing weight gain when they were in high school? we’re taught through socialization beginning in early childhood that being fat means your practically less than human because obvisually you have no sense of control and self management. wtf? how do we fix this social disease?